Any parent with children understands their child will fly the nest one day. I have friends who just recently dropped their youngest children off at college and said goodbye. The little kid they raised is gone and a new adult is coming out of its chrysalis. And though I haven’t exactly been through the process myself, I can see that it is not easy.
One couple sat next to my youngest daughter yesterday at church. My kids are like most, speaking their mind and not caring much for the social protocol that most adults employ. A mother has just sent her last child off to college and is struggling with the newness of an empty nester. My daughter, seeing a husband and wife sitting alone, asks, “Do you have any kids?” No, although we raise our children to leave home, those efforts become such a common element in our lives that to let go after such a habit has formed is indeed a very hard thing.
I can try to start letting go now, but there is risk there as well. I want my children to know and feel that I love them. If I start letting go too early, will I damage my relationship with each of them? And even after trying to start letting go, I suppose I will still suffer when it’s my turn to drop them off at college wishing them all my best wishes with these next big steps in their adult life.
A parents challenge is to provide for their children and give them enough latitude so they will be ready to leave home and succeed in making and living with their own choices. Recently, our family had the opportunity to go pick grapes as part of a service project. It had been publicized for many weeks both at church and in our home. The night before our plans to go, my son informs me that he would be getting together with a friend to do some homework the next day. I asked him if he had considered his commitment to working in the vineyard that would also be taking place the next day. He became upset, claiming he didn’t know about the service activity and how unfair it was for me to be making decisions for him.
I paused the conversation, emphasizing that I was not making decisions for him; I wanted him to make this decision. To make his decision a little easier, I informed him he was welcome to choose to not go to the vineyard, but that if he was staying home, he would need to finish a small list of outdoor chores before meeting with his study partner. He had been informed of service in the vineyard and I did expect him to keep the assignment that had been asked of him, but in the end, he would be making his own decision.
“That’s not really a decision, Dad. You’re still making it for me.” As a parent with a child who is not ready yet for even the independence of a college student, I prayerfully gauge how much latitude I give my child to allow them to grow through the process of making their own decisions. I also prayerfully consider the things I need to more directly teach them, whether they think they need me to (or want me to) or not. That is the heavy and significant responsibility of every parent. And striking that balance is hard and often difficult to measure since we’re not going to be validated by our children any time soon. “Gee, Dad. Thanks so much for adding that imposed consequence so I could learn that important lesson.” Yeah, right.
My son grudgingly fulfilled his duties at the vineyard, drowning his frustration in music from his earbuds. Later on, I could see he was snappy with other members of the family and clearly was not happy. I started a conversation with him by asking what was going on. He had asked why I was making decisions for him. I clarified how I had still allowed him to make his own decision and that by doing so it would help him grow. “Dad, I want to be a kid; I’ll learn all those things when I leave and go to college.” Am I pushing too hard? Am I requiring enough of my children? Usually, there are no easy answers to these questions. A parent cries, prays, and agonizes, trying to find the best way to teach, train and eventually usher their children into adulthood. They do it because they love their children and want them to succeed in life.
Hopefully, you have a parenting partner to help you and together you can pray for revelation on the subject. As a parent, you have that right and privilege. It won’t be easy. Whether giving birth, changing diapers at 2am, changing vomit-laced sheets in the middle of the night, getting chewed out by your teen, or dropping them off at their college dorm room, there is nothing easy about being a parent. But there is no greater joy and fulfillment that can be experienced in life than to help one of Heavenly Father’s children learn how to stand on their own two feet and make righteous decisions that will bring him happiness.
So parents, don’t give up just because you don’t get approbation from your children. “Dad, I am so grateful you said I couldn’t go to that all night party. I’m a changed person because of it.” You’re not likely going to hear such phrases. But such gratitude will eventually mature into sweet fruit if you are faithful to the calling of parent and love your children. And as the Plan on Happiness perpetuates down to your grandchildren, there will be even more love (and perhaps even a little humorous vindication) to enjoy.
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