Our agency has always been vital part of God's plan for us.
As a parent, we are responsible for teaching our children correct principles that eventually they may know how to correctly use their agency. Perhaps one of the hardest part of being a parent is knowing how and when to allow our children to use their agency. Does it make sense that on our children's 18 birthday that something clicks and suddenly they are an adult, mature enough to know how to make healthy decisions on their own and have the confidence that they can succeed in life?
It probably makes more sense to prayerfully gauge our children's maturity and understanding of life's true principles and start letting them make as many decisions and enjoy or suffer natural consequences as much as possible so that they will be ready to strike out on their own when the time comes. We, of course, care about our children, but if we coddle out of convenience for ourselves, we might be a stumbling block to our children's maturation in making wise decisions in life.
So how does the challenge of effectively teaching our children how to use their agency match up with the commandment to not suffer our children to "fight and quarrel one with another"? Perhaps it simply means we can't surrender and give up as a parent, escaping to another room or pretending that we don't hear the fighting. At the same time, I can't simply "make" everyone be kind and loving either.
The solution lies in considering the maturation level of those who are fighting and taking appropriate action,... consistently. For my younger kids, I might ask them to sing a church song with me or I will assign a small chore (small to me), like picking up some books. For my teenagers, I may call them to have a short, private conversation and assign a larger chore, like mowing the lawn or weeding an entire row in the garden.
The tough thing with fighting and quarrelling is that it may not be effective to allow natural consequences to follow (family relationships suffer in the home) and require some parent-imposed consequences, but consequences nevertheless. It is, after all, a fact that one who contends will likely have a difficult time maintaining healthy relationships which effects pretty much everything in life since we interact with people in almost everything we do.
As a parent, the toughest thing about natural consequences is to resist coddling our children. When we start out as new parents, a toddler doesn't have the maturity to make decisions in many, many cases. We won't let them cook cookies by themselves, but we may allow them to pick which one they can eat. We aren't going to ask them to wash their laundry without supervision, but we may allow them to choose which shirt they are going to wear for the day. And if they attempt to run out in the street (even though we have tried to teach them not to), we will rescue them from peril -- there is a natural consequence that we understandably will not allow our toddler to deal with.
As our child grows up, as parents, will give our children more latitude with their agency. We have taught them and they hopefully have earned our trust. But, like us, our children are human and make mistakes. How many times has one of my teenagers told me minutes before school that they didn't finish a big homework assignment. It is natural for a parent to be concerned. You don't want your child to suffer, but would it be best for your child to deal with this natural consequence and learn from it now or when they are far away on some college campus? We can't protect our children from everything and not all decisions are akin to a child running out in a busy street.
And if we can be brutally honest, how many times are we really more concerned with the inconvenience of being consistent with parent-imposed consequences or dealing with the shock waves of the natural consequences from one of our children's poor choices? Being a parent is not convenient. It is one of the most difficult and most rewarding things I have and will ever do.
Examples of how consequences are not convenient, but are important for our children's growth
1. We will not help our children if we put on the cape and rescue our teenager from having to keep his promise that he would mow the lawn "later on" by saying, "Don't worry about it this time." Sure, that means we don't have to deal with a grumpy teenager for the rest of the day, but it also teaches to our child the incorrect principle that integrity is not real or important, that it's ok to break the promises we make to others.
2. If we say that chores must be done before our child can watch a movie and we are busy in the middle of our own chores and we hear the movie start, knowing that the kids' chores are not yet finished, we may be tempted to pretend that we don't know so we can avoid the interruption, but we would be teaching our children that it's ok to not fulfil our responsibilities because most of the time we can get away with getting what we want and not have ill consequences.
When as parents we don't let the consequence follow, we may have a short-term "win", but there will be a large "debt" to deal with down the road and we parents will find ourselves asking why are kids are not more responsible. The answer in cases like these is simple -- because we taught them that way.
If we don't give up and strive every day to appropriately apply parent-imposed consequences and allow natural consequences, we will not be "suffering" that our children "transgress the laws of God" or true principles of life. When our children succeed in making good decisions, let us celebrate them. When our children make poor decisions, let us love them and tell them that we know they can get through the ill consequence and not simply say, "It's ok; I'll take care of it for you." And when it is appropriate for us to help, let us truly help and not hinder.
No, parenting is not easy; it never has been. But it is perhaps the most important and can be the most rewarding thing we ever do.
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